C - Courage

Watching someone fight their way through cancer is hard, especially when the caretaker can do nothing but be there when needed. I can’t take the pain away, I can’t make a meal to help him feel better, because he can’t eat anything. I can’t make the awful taste of food go away so that he can enjoy just one meal. It’s so frustrating. I wish I could trade places!

Before the cancer treatments began we had many meetings with doctors and nurse practitioners and nurses, all of them sat with us doing their best to prepare us for what was ahead. They knew that all they were really doing was giving us information because nothing really prepares you for it. When we were driving home after one of these meetings, Babe said to me, “I don’t envy your position. It’s going to be so hard for you to watch me and not be able to do anything about it all.” He knew. He knew because he knows how it feels to watch the one you love be in so much pain. He could empathize with me before I even got there. And he was right.

I have witnessed a whole new level of courage in my husband; to hear all of the information and say, “Ok, lets do this. Lets hook my body up to an IV with some chemicals that will bring me to the brink of death, once a week, and daily, willingly, place my body on a table with a cage over my face, bolt that to the table and allow my neck to be burned on the inside and outside to blast these tumors! Yeah! Lets do that!” The courage to move forward every day, to go back and do it again – chemo once a week for 6 weeks and daily radiation – 35 times! I have no reference for empathy there, none! All of that made my knee replacements look like a walk in the park! I didn’t lose 40 lbs. in 7 weeks, or lose any hair, or watch my body wither away, lose strength and energy to do ANYTHING.  Now that I have seen what he went through I can honestly say that I don’t know if I could do it. We have met many wonderful people going through these treatments and one wife said that same thing, “I don’t think I could do what they have done.” I said, “It would be soooo hard – I think I would say, “Threaten me with heaven!”

 I am so proud of my husband, with the Lord's strength, he has beat cancer. It’s been 3 weeks since his last treatment  so he’s on the other side, but this seems worse. He has very little energy, still can’t eat because everything tastes disgusting to him. He says that water tastes like ocean water. His voice is a whisper and he has severe dry mouth so he has to drink that salty tasting water throughout the day. Oh and talk about torture, he loves to cook and can’t taste a darn thing. Today he said he wonders if it was all worth it. He’s tired of feeling tired, of not eating, of not talking, of all the fun things not being fun. No enjoyment. And yet, his courageous spirit still says, “Only God will get me through.” We knew in the beginning that Only God would see us through. Empathy, in this case, isn’t there. I don’t know how he feels , but I know that he is a courageous soul and he will come out stronger.

The lesson : Just be there.

Pouring hope,
Nen ♥